Monday, February 14, 2011

Sexless and the Shitty

Being newly single again for the first time in years, I naturally assumed that this era would be exciting and sexy. One involving many great outfits, fabulous restaurants and late night dates with handsome suitors, albeit a weekly installment of my very own version of Sex and the City.
EHHHH - WRONG.  
Firstly may I ask what happened to men? Where are their 'man parts'? Stop swirling your glass and commenting on the 'legs' of the wine and 'so and so's' disappointing Spring line.  Where are the tool yielding, Whisky drinking, man grunting, men?  I need someone with a little caveman in them for Godsakes. How am I supposed to feel feminine if you know more about a Brazilian Blow Out than I do?
What ever happened to a good looking bar tender delivering drinks to you and your girlfriends and after the wide eyed, 'we didn't order these' glare, hot bartender remarks, "these are from the gentlemen sitting over 'there"? All to be followed by the parting of a crowd, some lengthy innuendo filled eye contact with said sexy strangers and the mutual raise of a glass.. Is that too much to ask for? Apparently.
Instead I met a young gentlemen who for the purpose of the story shall be called "Jean Paul".  This was our exchange.


JP: Excuse me, hi, my name is Jean-Paul. I'm an artist and I couldn't help but notice you from across the room.  
Me: Oh that's very sweet of you JP, nice to meet you. What's your medium? Sculpture, Instillation? 
JP: I'm a painter. I'm actually having a show in London next week and then back here in LA the following week. I'd really love it if you'd come.
Me: Oh that sounds wonderful. Congratulations on your success, this must be an exciting time for you.
JP: Yes it's very validating to be recognized for my outlet. But I have to be honest, I don't work alone. I have regular people like yourself taking part in my work. In fact, I'd love to work with you.
Me: How intriguing.. To what capacity and what would that entail?  
JP: Well I work with paint like I mentioned, but it's an artistic manifestation of sex.
Me: ........an artistic manifestation of sex...and how do you manage to 'manifest' that?
JP: I get couples to cover themselves in paint and 'make love' or have 'sex' on my canvas. Art ensues.
Me: .......art ensues?!.......wow...
JP: Do you have anyone special in your life that you'd like to 'work with'. If not, I'd be happy to step in and create some 'art' with you.
Me: Hold on there JP....Let me get this straight. You straight up just asked me for sex, sex that you'll inadvertently make money from by selling this said canvas and you didn't even buy me a drink? You could've, at the very least, thrown in a dirty martini for good measure!
No hot bartenders for me, no sexy strangers with innuendo filled stares. Instead I get the "Jean Paul's"of the world.  Where is this sexually liberating time in my life? Because rather than Sex in the City,  it's starting to look more like Sexless and the Shitty.

...sigh
Thank God for dessert. Dessert and alcohol.

Drunkin' Berries
4 cups of berries of your choice {I prefer strawberries, blueberries and raspberries}
1/4 cup of sugar
1/4 teaspoon of lemon zest
1/2 vanilla bean deseeded
1/3 cup of water
3 teaspoons of framboise {berry brandy}

Place only one cup of the berries in a saucepan and with sugar, lemon zest, vanilla seeds and pod and water and bring to a slight boil. Continue to keep on heat for around 10 minutes until the berries begin to burst and the liquid becomes syrupy.  Remove from heat and add remaining berries and framboise.
Now comes the fun part. Spoon over ice cream, waffles, chocolate brownies, meringue, or if you want to skip the food altogether, use it to up the anti of your poison of choice! Add to champagne, vodka and soda, the list is truly endless.

xo tash
p.s. have you checked out the first part of my interview yet over HERE?

22 comments:

  1. Oh dear this has me laughing. It's funny but hard to even believe that a person would utter such nonsense. Those blow torch instead of Braz' blow out men are out there, promise. Just maybe not in California :)

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  2. Oh. No. Way! hahahaha... Good men are scarce. Dear God. But at least you can laugh about it - and make us laugh too!

    xx

    November Grey

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  3. Wait . . . did that seriously happen? This dude literally wanted you to cover yourself in paint and have sex on a big canvas? O . . . M. . . F . . . G!

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  4. Ok Miss Chirpy you are seriously hilarious! Let me tell you something honestly, your blog was cute before but since your split your writing is bangin'!
    This is how cool blogging is...I read your blog on my iphone here in Canada outloud to my husband as we are running errands and you have us in stitches. So there...JP is getting laughed at 'internationally'. Now that's karma.
    Happy V Day Tash!
    Cupcake
    xo

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  5. bahahha ok I really love you. Girl I have been in that boat for the past few months.. and although one gentleman caller took me to Vegas for new years, and I have a date tonight.."ted" I think this story of JP is so weird and funny.. ahh!

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  6. oh. you make me laugh. what a great writer you are...

    and jp-what a complete ass!

    can't wait to make the berries. thank you!

    happy v day!

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  7. hey, i just had a thought. want to meet my brother? (i'm only half joking.)

    http://pleasingespeciallytothesenses.blogspot.com/2010/09/let-them-eat-birthday-cake.html

    he's hot and a total guy's guy. (except for the whiskey part.)

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  8. ohmygosh, this IS a sex and the city episode - hilarious!! I cannot believe this guy! At least it makes for a great story, right?? : )
    Happy vday to you!

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  9. That was really funny! There has to be a happy medium somewhere in this world! Hang in there! Happy Valentine's Day!!

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  10. If I didn't know you, I'd think you made that outrageous pick up story up! Thank goodness for drunken berries! Happy Valentine's Day, and cheers to cave men!

    xo, Lena

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  11. omg!! i want to eat all that!!!!

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  12. Was that JP for real. Sounds hilarious and outrageous at the same time. Those berries look scrumptious.

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  13. SPEECHLESS!
    (but I wonder if he's every had any success with that line?)

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  14. you must be kidding me with this!!!!!

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  15. hah the last word ver had 'boob' in it. ok sorry i'm 12

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  16. OMG...hahaha...did he really say that? That just blew my mind...!
    Hugs and kisses, darling

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  17. haha what a hilarious post! And those goodies...incredible looking! xo

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  18. Eww, JP, Eww.

    Where are the rugged ones?

    Great post.

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  19. hahahah welcome to singledom.... and yes i agree where all the rugged gentlemen??? definitely not in san francisco that's for sure.

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  20. I can't believe that story. I wonder how many times that approach has worked for him.

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  21. Shut up. That cannot be a true story.. Oh. my. god. That is equal parts hilarious and horrible. Maybe it's time to hang out at Home Depot more often or SOMETHING?! I feel your pain..

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  22. WOW.. I'm with you girl! I love your writing style. Dating is evil, when your with someone you seem to meet all the interesting/available people and when your solo your riding that train a great distance to find the one that can have a conversation w/o insulting you. I had a simular experience with someone and chalked it up with "single isn't that bad" when you have losers out there.. keep your chin up!

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